Spring Cleaning : Ikea

FriedPakoda
6 min readOct 3, 2020

I will spend the whole day staring at my plant grow, but the minute I attempt meditation my mind will brew up a million other things that has to be done. I even have two meditation apps which funnily redirects me to Instagram after 2 minutes. Here is my cycle for meditation :

Step 1 : I want calmness, order & silence.
Step 2 : Draw up the curtains. Remember lighting matters.
Step 3 : Open browser and type “practice meditation”
Step 4 : Ignore the “PornHub” autofill suggestion when I typed out that “P” from “practice meditation”
Step 5 : Instructions play. Close eyes. Start slowly inhaling and exhaling.

Mind: Question grazes in “What could be new at PornHub today ?”

** Remind self I am a focus, a zen, a monk. **

Meanwhile the Mind :

- A Monk ? But is Old Monk available now? Been a while, but then I hate drinking and even worse hangovers.
- Hangovers are as painful as an abortion or unplanned pregnancy.
- Fuck, why am I saying this, so wrong. Focus.
- But, pain is relative. Is it not ?
- Makes no sense. Why am I so loud. Isn’t it been a while already ?
- Fuck, did I just finish 15 mins?

Opens eyes, pretends to be refreshed, pats back. Checks app.

Your session time : 1 minute 20 seconds.

When my cat said “Bro, this room is worse than my previous foster home”, I knew I had to bring about some amount some change. So I changed my cat.

So a day just before my ego healed from that low blow comment, I put myself at Ikea. Here are some fun facts about Ikea Hyderabad I learnt during my 3 visits during the last 2 days :

  • A trip to Ikea is like running a marathon. Exit is few hundred miles away, lots of spots you shouldn’t be resting on but you anyways rest in and of-course tons of selfies, I mean if not for a selfie did you actually participate?And by the end of it, you convince yourself it was definitely worth the money you spent.
  • Ikea will mark up their price by a min of 400%. Ikea display board be like: Actual Price: Rs 4000
    Limited offer Sale : Rs 1000 only now.
    Customer : WOW! Let’s pick up 2 !

Meanwhile at a Local China Bazaar Mart for a similar product : “Sir last price, Rs 200. Allow my children to atleast have bread for dinner. Cannot get lower”

Last few months have been nothing short of chaos for me. So now I will shift the blame on those circumstances for my room being a mess in order to ease on the guilt that has slowly built in. So lets see how it turned out :

News papers in India are traditionally used to pack bhel puri in them, but did you know they are also used as drawer mats in wardrobes.

Well this was my immediate priority, to find an alternative to these ugly papers even though they did compliment my clothing pretty well.

Luckily Ikea Hyderabad has this amazing option called : VARIERA or drawer mat which does this job.

Pro tip : Buy shit tons of these.

Pretty easy on the eye VS the traditional news paper, isn’t it !

Now ensure you have a blade and a ruler to cut your choice of shape.
I did no do that, I went freestyle like a drunk at a karaoke bar, only to wake up the next day with a heavy dose of regret.

Absolutely hate it when people use quotes to justify their shitty behaviour or life like “bro, you live only once”.

But there does exist one quote which is an exception and holds absolute truth : “A mEssY rOom iS a siGn oF geNiUS”.

So please show my geniuses some respect.

One good thing, that comes out from “spring” cleaning is coming across long lost treasures from the by gone era.

  1. A collage which I received from my secret santa back from my college days.
  2. An extensive Mathura plan.
  3. Duff Beer Keychain
  4. A letter from Boazi !

Now time for the before after pictures which “MTV Cribs” and “Architectural Digest” would be proud of :

Overall it took me close to 20 hours from shopping, organising to throwing out junk in order to bring it close to “this is alright”. Close to 15 Kg of clothes were sent to the dry cleaners because my cat had decided to take massive amounts of piss on them. Overall a very satisfactory way of spending time and perhaps the only productive thing I’ve done so far in 2020.

I would close on the blog with some of my recommendations, because that’s why you’re here in the first place ? Right ?

Great cinema like a beautiful cup of coffee, it should leave behind an amazing after taste that lingers around even hours later. Jo Jo Rabbit that very cup of beautiful coffee.

If you enjoy satire, heck let me rephrase that ; if you enjoy cinema this should be on your list if you haven’t indulged in it already!

2019-20 was a great year for cinema in general, gave us absolute gems. Some of my recommendations :

  • 1917
  • Marriage Story (Netflix)
  • The Gentlemen
  • The King (Netflix)

I would like to thank Peter Davis for introducing me to this amazing bit of liquid : Cold Brew Coffee.

I have had the chance to try the ones from Coffee Mechanics and now Sleepy Owl, but definitely prefer the ones from Coffee Mechanics, much stronger.

Go give black coffee a chance.

You may take sometime to get warmed up to the characters, but once you stick around them for a bit you begin to appreciate their absurdity.

A really fun & simple watch. Highly recommend it. It’s available on Interflix, sorry Netflix !

That’s all for this weeks edition of random writing. Stay safe everyone !

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